![]() Also, there’s like a valley of pandas? Some are voiced by Bryan Cranston while others fall down a lot or have bad teeth? I don’t know. Simmons) that has escaped from the “Kung Fu Panda” equivalent to The Phantom Zone in order to steal the ‘qis’ of Po and the all-star voice cast who all sound as if they were recorded as they were laying down on a couch, lazily flipping through the options on Netflix without ever coming to a final decision. ![]() It’s sick!Īt any rate, for those who inexplicably care, “Kung Fu Panda 3” is about an undead, yak-water buffalo-bull-thing (the voice of J.K. “Kung Fu Panda 3” is merely encouraging children to drink more of their own bathwater. Which is why we, as adults, have to continually knock them down a peg so they realize they don’t have the ability to cut their own hair or have an immune system advanced enough to safely drink their own used bathwater. Their confidence is basically verging on cockiness. First of all, there’s more than enough of these movies already and secondly, has there ever been a crisis of confidence among our nation’s children? If anything children already believe in themselves way too much. What more was left to say after Po (Black) – the titular panda of kung fu – learned to believe in himself after the first two “Kung Fu Panda” movies? Not much, apparently because Po is still struggling with self-confidence.Īs a side note, can we please stop making children’s movies that hammer home the importance of believing in one’s self. Seemingly plucked from another time and place when the world was still amused by Jack Black’s hyperactive big kid routine and every movie with even the slightest hint of high flyin’ karate kicks was required by the MPAA to close with the cast dancing to Carl Douglas’ “Kung Fu Fighting,” “Kung Fu Panda’s” arrival in theaters is nearly 10 years too late. In short, “Kung Fu Panda 3” is for nobody. Maybe it’s for your dum-dum babies, but they’re also the kinds of people who throw themselves on the floor and suck the dirt off the ground every time they get mad. But it also isn’t for you, it’s not for lovers of Pandas (both normal and unsavory), nor is it for anyone who’s ever chopped a brick in two with their hands. You know you’ve fallen but you don’t realize how far and how hard you’ve fallen until you’re sitting alone in a theater, on a Friday afternoon, wearing 3-D glasses, watching a sequel to a movie that could just have easily been a retitled version of the first movie after an intern at Dreamworks grabbed a sharpie and drew a number three on the original movie’s one-sheet. As a man who was cursed at a very young age with the scourge of red pubic hair, I know that I’m not winning at life and each day the bracing sight of rock bottom harshly greets me from within the confines of my very own mirror. I knew that sitting through “Kung Fu Panda 3” wasn’t going to be a fun experience, but I didn’t realize it was going to be this miserable.
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